One more step forward…

It’s been a long while, hasn’t it? I’ve missed writing to you, even though I don’t know most of you. Hello to KT, who I see reads my posts every once in a while, I’m holding you & your mom in my heart. Hello to E, who I miss, though we only spoke a few times. Hello to D, who lives so very far away and I most likely will never meet, but you’ve become a Soul Sister to me. There are others who pop in from time to time – L, S, S, M, L, D, L, K, C, Y, R, E, G, P, and so many others. Thank you for being part of my life, even if it’s only through this blog.

I want to catch you up on the things that have been happening around the Nest. The quick rundown (most of this stuff is known to those who see me on FB or Ravelry, but here goes):
– July brought the sweetest grandbaby a person could wish for. She’s vibrant and smiley and perfect.
– The summer was slow in coming, but it finally arrived with the constant noise of air conditioners and fans on high.
– Bear got crystals in his bladder and it took a good portion of our combined savings to make him well again and to keep him that way.
– I sold my car, both kids bought their own cars (with their own money).
– I finished a slew of medical tests that gave no clear indication of what has been going on.
– I got my affairs in order (mostly), and went to bed one night with every intention of ending my life before morning.
– I am now in therapy.
– I took up watercolors.

Yes, at almost 48 years old, I decided that I was going to take a bottle (or as many as I could swallow without gagging) of prescription sleeping pills and was going to “take my leave”. The reasons behind that aren’t important at this moment, only that I was going to. And I didn’t. I wish I could say that my kids or granddaughter were the reasons that I didn’t. I wish I could say that it was the fact that I haven’t gotten to know my bio-father and the rest of his family. There are moments when I even wish that I could say that it was because I knew that it would hurt some of the people who know me. But it was none of those reasons.

The biggest reason was that I chose a strong name for myself and I wanted to live up to it. I wanted to perform my rituals and honor the sacred days. I wanted to look at the moon on a summer’s night and walk in a winter snow. I wanted to listen for the first bird’s call of the morning and the crickets in the evening. I wanted to watch the storm clouds rolling across the land and listen to the thunder shaking my very soul. I wanted to hear the busy sound of the bees in the hives I’ve provided and taste the golden sweetness that they provide. I want to gather eggs that are still warm and taste the vegetables straight from my garden. I want to perform spells and magic, I want to feel the energy of the lightning and the earth beneath my feet.

I could go on, but the bottom line is that I want to experience the earth in all her glory in the best ways possible.

I have a plan. Right now it’s talking to a therapist once a week. It’s also to go down to North Carolina to spend some time in peace and quiet with a friend who lets me be silent when I want and will talk with me for hours, too. After that, the plan is to share with my knitting friends a wondrous shawl and yarn set that I will release in December. After that, it’s looking at various properties that I will consider living on (that entails researching the recent weather patterns, checking political lines, checking human rights lines, checking laws on building and other issues, and so much more). My plan also includes continuing to learn Spanish through DuoLingo and maybe another program. My plan also involves making up a whole new African violet flower to celebrate my first grandchild. And to grow vanilla orchids. And to knit.

After that, we’ll see how things go.

I wish I had words of wisdom that came from this whole situation, but I don’t. Life is shit sometimes. Other times it’s better. All I can do for myself is try to live for the better.