Bounding down the concrete stairs in high heels, wearing coordinated tops and accessories, flitting from one place to the next, not thinking about tomorrow.
Fewer high heels but still coordinated, kids are coordinated, too. Still flitting, but a little slower to accommodate the smaller wings at her side.
Long dresses, New Age music, challenging the system a little, but not enough to be uncomfortable.
Corporate job, high heels for a different reason, car payment & townhouse, longing for something just a little different.
New place, new dreams, shattered and broken, but still wiling to keep going.
Feeling trapped in misery and the fact that “I pushed for this” even though I didn’t, being told that there is no help from the “partner”.
Walking away, finding solace in singularity, learning to live again.
These are all various stages in my life. Various places I have been as I moved through time and tried to find my way. Through each of those, some things didn’t change. Crafting, for example, went from cross-stitch to beads to knitting to crochet to polymer clay to knitting to beads to knitting to spinning to… well, just about everything, but crafting was still there. Love of nature, camping and walks in parks and drives to watch the moon rise & the stars glow and identifying birds and learning about trees, all of this stayed with me. Love of music has stayed even though the styles that I listen to have changed significantly.
I have learned to forgive myself for the strange choices that I made through the years, especially the ones that ended up being so very wrong. And, no, I’m not one of those who looks back and says, “That was the right choice at the time,” when, if I’m truly honest, I can admit that I knew it was wrong then and still went ahead with it. I’m not going to sweeten things up and lie to make myself feel better. Ignoring the truth of the matter only serves to keep a person from growing to who they are supposed to be. And, if that means that I am meant to grow into a curmudgeon, then so be it.
Let’s talk about 2020 for just a brief moment. There were an amazing amount of crap things that happened, weren’t there? I made a list of all the bad stuff that I could remember without looking anything up and was astounded that it ended up taking 2 pages in my journal. I didn’t add details, just a word or two to name these things. If I had added even a sentence explaining the things, my hand would have cramped from all the writing. I did this so that I could face these things, let the pain come in while I had time to process and grieve, and to work through all the feelings. Anger at the people who think that a 17-year-old murderer is a hero. Sorrow at the numbers of people who have died from a virus or suicide because they lost jobs, houses, cars. Fear that the riots would take one of my friends or make my daughter a widow. Frustration as businesses dwindle smaller and smaller and, finally, close their doors because they can no longer afford to stay open. There were more, of course, but I’m not holding space for that right now. Right now, I’m acknowledging that there were a lot of sh-t things that happened and to ignore them is to disrespect everyone touched by them.
And now? Where am I, personally, heading now?
I have no clear answer, but I’m working on it. I miss camping and being alone in the forests. I miss having a garden and the quiet of living by myself. I also miss my business as it was even just a year ago. But, I can’t bring all these things back to my life for a variety of reasons. So, I’m choosing a plot twist of my own and I’m going to embrace it the best that I can. I might lose some people along the way, but I will be following my heart in this area.
One way or another, I will be moving this year. If it’s back into an RV to wander around the country or into a house that I share with my son, I’m leaving Ohio and moving forward in another direction. I’m including my spirituality in my knitwear designs and in the things I’ll be adding to the shop. I’m returning to my herbal healing and my energy work. Will that make me a witchy curmudgeon? The thought actually makes me laugh a little.
And now for a bit of an update:
- Tamara is growing like a weed, of course. When she sees me (which is rare because of the pandemic), she smiles and reaches for me. This fills my heart with so much light that I’m certain that it spills out through my pores. She’s sassy and loving and perfect (to me).
- All the cats are still with us. Khaleesi seems to go through a phase of vomiting and hardly eating, then getting back to normal. Serephina has days when she sleeps more than usual and moments when she runs through the house like a kitten. Ofelia is getting more brave by the day and has surprised me with sleeping on my lap a couple times. Bear (not my cat) is still the best boy I’ve ever known.
- I have a puppy. It’s a longish story, but the summary is that she was skin & bones (a 2 on the vet chart) when I brought her home on October 2 and plumped up to a 4 before the end of 2020. She’s a Pyrenean Mountain dog (called Great Pyrenees in the US) and has “badger” markings on her face. The fur on her back is a delightful blend of white and silver and reminds me of shadows on snow. She’s already learned so much and I look forward to having a decent yard for her to run around in. Currently, she has to remain on a lead since the yard isn’t secure. She lost her first puppy tooth yesterday and I can see more adult teeth coming in.
- I’m learning to embrace more technology, even though it feels strange to me to give commands to the air. “Hey, Google, please turn the lights on,” just sounds dismissive. Yeah, I know it’s “just” a program… but I still feel uncomfortable even as I recognize the need to simplify my life.
And now, it’s time for breakfast and getting on with my day. I have 3 boxes of books to pack (today).