There have been a lot of things over my life that I’ve given up, both tangible and not. Some of these things I gave up willingly (the relationship with an abusive mother, a potential career in the military, the church) while others were much harder to let go of (the knowledge that I’ll never build my own house or live on a cottage farm). Each thing, person, dream that I’ve laid aside, for whatever the reason, caused some amount of sadness. And each time I have to remind myself that grieving is natural and that it’s okay the also think on the “might have been” of the situations.
If, if, if… my mother hadn’t been so abusive would I have been a softer person? … my marriage wouldn’t have been destroyed by drugs would I have been less harsh about addictions? … my healthcare would have been more consistent would I have lost the ability to live alone? Obviously, I will never know.
Several recent losses have caused me to look within, again, and try to make sense of the world around me. I still yearn for the home in the woods, still wish for a welcoming family (whether friends or blood), and dearly hope that I might be able to walk a 5k without fear of growing faint. I’m currently trying to map out a course in this journey that will get me through the sorrow without causing me to be an even harder person than I already am.
I don’t have much else to say today. Go hug your loved ones and let them know that you’re thinking about them. Be flexible. Be feral. Be wild.
Morrigan's Nest 