A lot of time has passed since my last writing since I’ve been working on some physical issues as well as emotional ones.
First, the physical. I have another new doctor. I explained during the first visit that the swelling started long before the weight gain and I think, this time, I was taken seriously. She sat there with me and explained all the ways that the body contributes to the swelling. She asked me if I had any issues with bleeding or bruising and I told her about how I can’t donate blood or plasma since my blood “clogs up” the needles (as I was told by the folks at Red Cross and the plasma center in Asheville, NC). I told her how I almost never bled for longer than a moment and that any scratches usually scabbed over pretty quickly. She suggested that I continue taking a diuretic until July to see what changes occur (blood pressure and all that jazz), then we will see about a different set of blood tests. In the meantime, she said that it’s safe to take some herbal supplements to aid in circulation as long as I don’t combine them (for example, gingko biloba shouldn’t be taken with cinnamon or ginger). We’ll see how that all goes. The fatigue is still far too frequent and I’m lucky to be in a position to take a nap when I need it. I wish I could plan them, but I’m never certain of when I’ll feel that “crash”. Sometimes it’s as early as 9a and sometimes I last until 3p. Either way, I still wake around 5a each day as if I had an alarm. I don’t mind, though, since that’s the quietest part of my day. My vision changes almost daily and I’m glad that I haven’t gotten rid of old prescriptions since I can now try the old glasses to see which ones provide me with the clearest view. I also can now walk for 25 minutes before I’m out of breath. I might “splurge” on a membership to a Planet Fitness or something so that my walks are in a safer space than the towpath or state park, but I’ll decide that later on. Perimenopause is definitely in full swing as I’ve skipped 3 periods (September, March, May) and have had one start 2 weeks later than usual. I haven’t had a lot of hot flashes or night sweats, but there have been more bits of insomnia and a significant increase in irritability. I’m not sure that I’ll ever be able to run again, but if I can get to a point of being able to walk in nature without needing assistance, I’ll be happy.
Now the emotional: My therapist has moved and I’m no longer seeing anyone. However, she gave me several tools to use when I’m feeling particularly like I’d like to end things, so we’ll see how that all goes. During my last sessions we talked about how I’ve been letting go of people and things that don’t fit into my life in a happy way. It’s clearly important for me to receive the same energy that I’m giving to others and that if I don’t get that, it’s time to let go. She questioned me a lot in this and I felt that she was making sure that I’m not just shoving people away. I talked about one situation with her that had been going on for several years and she helped walk me through the thoughts that I was having with it. Mainly, I was extending myself to include someone in the things going on here while they were barely reaching out to me or my kids. She reminded me that it’s not my responsibility to push someone else on their journey and that the times that I’ve told them that I needed more from them emotionally (I showed her the emails) and how the responses were somewhat flat indicated that they were not in a position to give me what I needed from them. So, I lit a candle for them and I let go. In the words of Elizabeth Gilbert, “With all your heart forgive him, forgive yourself and let him go.” And so I did. Another part of my emotions is that I’m no longer dreading the rainy days. I used to think that my depression in Sandusky was due to the grey days and lack of sunshine. But now that I’ve had some help dealing with untangling when the first plan of suicide happened in Ohio (November 2001), it appears that there were a lot of other factors in there and not “just” seasonal affective disorder. I’m still working through some of that and am using the tools that she gave me. More and more frequently, though, I am happy to see the rain moving in.
In other news:
Tamara spent a week with me last month and we had a great time painting the shed (butter yellow with violet trim), painting a birdhouse & a dinosaur, watching classic Disney movies (she liked Maleficent’s purple & green dress and was upset when she got “smooshed”), eating pizza and quesadillas, snuggling in to sleep, and splashing in Turkeyfoot Lake. I was super-grateful that Anthony was able to play with her while I napped, too. I’m not sure how often we’ll be able to do this, but at the very least a couple times each year.
Colors for my rooms are chosen and I’ll start painting next month. My aquarium will have to be moved to the bedroom for a while, but it will be okay. Once the living room, kitchen, and hallway are finished I’ll be able to move it back out to the living room. Once the interior is finished (a few months instead of 2 weeks like I did in Oregon), I’ll continue focusing on building shelves and such. The downstairs is being slowly finished as an efficiency apartment and the garage will be turned into a carport. The yard is slowly being converted to clover and wildflowers and I’ve been moving a few plants around. The lavender died, but the lilacs and hydrangeas are doing well.
Khaleesi had her first round with a large hairball for the first time in 2 years. It started at the end of March and she’s just now back to eating normally. The pumpkin seeds really did help, though, so I’m continuing them for her. I also got a pet trimming kit and gave her a pretty severe haircut. I’ll let her fur get a little longer during the colder months, but it’s now about an inch long over most of her body. She’s going to be seven years old on the 21st of this month and I know that she can’t keep going through it. This time around she lost a little over 2 pounds in April and another 2 in May. That’s like a human losing 30 pounds each month. She has stabilized in her weight now and, as I mentioned, is back to eating the way she used to. The other cats are all doing well.
Crafting is now including needle-felting and that’s been fun. I’m still doing the cross-stitching, embroidery, knitting, painting, and so on. I also got a bread machine at the thrift store and have been making my own bread again. I love adding the things that I want to the dough. I’m also still trying to perfect my yogurt making. I keep getting regular yogurt or very liquidy yogurt (both are great for smoothies), but the French yogurt still eludes me. My houseplants are all doing wonderfully and one of my mini orchids (Phalaenopsis) has been putting out a lovely magenta spray of blossoms and the others are still going strong. My monstera is almost as tall as me now and I’ve had to put her on the floor so that I can still add water to the moss pole. After I get the painting in the living room finished I’ll be rearranging the plant lights so that they all are a little happier.
That’s about it. I don’t have deep thoughts that I want to share today, but I wish you all the best, whoever you are.
Morrigan's Nest 