Determination

IMG_1206I’ve come onto this page several times to write this post, but each time, the words wouldn’t come and I would sit here looking at the screen and wondering how to phrase the things that were in my heart without sounding as if I’m falling apart or giving up. From the outside, it was really a small thing that happened to cause this withdrawal. But from the inside? Oh, how that shook me up!

There was a financial setback. Nothing major, I won’t be destitute¬†or anything close to that, but it hurt my heart deeply when I realized that it will be another year before I can buy the motor home. I had moments when I questioned whether or not I should even keep trying. Moments when I thought I was making a huge mistake in dedicating so much energy into this foolish endeavor that it was affecting my health. Moments when I would ask myself if it would simply be better if I gave up this dream and figured out something else. And, I hate to admit this, I still have those dark moments while I am trying to fall asleep.

However, I have spoken with a few people who are close to me and they remind me that they are cheering me on, that they want to see me succeed in this dream, that they are looking forward to hearing more stories about my travels. I have people who believe in me and care that I’m working to get through this rough patch. I cannot ever express how much that has meant to me over the last few weeks. Their words have held me up when I feel ready to fall. Their love has helped me get out of bed each morning and continue putting one foot in front of the other. Their cheering has kept me from slipping into the sadness that wants to take all of the dreams away. Interestingly enough, I have met only a very small handful of these people, but they are now a part of my life and will continue to be so.

I look around this room that I’m renting and wondering if there is even more that I can cull from it. There isn’t, really. Perhaps a book here, or a bit of yarn there, but I’ve already stripped away so many of the “normal” trappings, that there is little left. I look over my budget and try to find more ways to increase what I’m saving instead of spending, but there is very little wiggle room in these numbers anymore. So I look inward. What, of myself, can I remove for a better life? And that opens a whole new realm of possibilities. Fears, doubts, the old voices who tell me that I’m not quite good enough to have what I want, the anxiety, the history of not quite reaching my goals, the self-sabotage of my own health (more on that much later), and even the weariness that I experience more often than I’d like to admit. But I can do this and I know that no one will hold me back anymore. No one to pour concrete on my wings.

I will continue with my plans to reach my goal. And, with any luck, there won’t be any setbacks to try to stop me.

I hope you all have a beautifully blessed day.

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