Stabilization

Another long while before I’m able to come in here and share my thouMossghts with you all. There are so many changes since I last posted! I’m not even sure where to start, but let’s see where the train of thought takes us, shall we?

This morning I had the desire to listen to some music that I’d not listened to since I lived in Phoenix. Lorrie Morgan, Tim McGraw, Juice Newton, and more. So I created a Pandora station with the thought that I’d get it out of my system and go back to the tunes that have been coming from my speakers lately. Instead, I find myself singing along to nearly every song that has played so far. The memories are no longer haunting, but are filled with smiles and goodness instead. I’ve come a long way from that young woman who was so excited to head east into a new life, a new dream. Do I miss her sometimes? Yes, I certainly do. The naiveté, the belief in goodness, and the softer edges. But I like who I am now. Sure, there are sharper corners and I have seen some displays of hatred that shattered my rose-colored glasses, but there is a deep core of energy and strength that I didn’t know that I could use.

I’ve learned a lot about myself over these years and the most uplifting thing is that I am still growing and changing and becoming more Me. I have been enjoying more days of feeling positive and hopeful about the future and that is a really good thing. I can believe that there will be a bright tomorrow for me and the ones I love.

Updates:

  • New kitten in the house. Ofelia is a runty female with mostly white fur and calico ears & tail. She’s going in for her surgery in the next month or so. The other cats are tolerant of her and have even taken a few naps near her.
  • The Tarot Workshop is coming along nicely and I’m coming up with new ideas each week. When I release it publicly I think it will be pretty good.
  • I’ve teamed up with a designer and she’s been wonderful to work with. You should check out some of her patterns at Designs by Mesha.
  • I’ve been without coffee for about 6 weeks, I think. It was a smooth transition to tea, but I’m missing that flavor so I’ll likely pick up some quality decaf or something.
  • I’ve learned how to pair several things through bluetooth as well as tethering my tablet to use for my internet. These are things that will come in handy when I hit the road.
  • Knitting and listening to books is still how I spend my free time and I’ve found a lot of time to think about the deeper lessons in my life.
  • My fatigue levels aren’t as bad as when I moved here even though I do still need a nap every couple days.

That’s about it for now. I’m sending out positive thoughts to you all!

A quiet morning

01 As the sky begins to lighten, I think about the way the last half of 2016 has gone for many of us. And I think about myself, too.

There were days, weeks even, when I thought that I’d give up my dreams of heading out onto the highways and visiting with all the people I’ve come to know over the years. I could feel myself giving up home of actually being able to make this into a reality anytime soon. After all, my failing health, slow sales, and so many other things were adding to the weight that I was carrying and it all felt to be too much.

That’s not true, though. There are more and more days when I know that I’ll be standing in the Acadia National Park or the Tonto National Monument Park, and I’ll be able to share those adventures with all of you. There are even more days when I remember how many people believe in me and those thoughts life me out of my doubt more than anything.

Today is Christmas and I am wondering where I’ll be next year. Will I be with the kids? Will I be on a mountain or a desert mesa? Will I have lights in the RV? So many unknowns out there and all of them with the potential for adventure and joy and wonder.

I wish you all the very best for the remainder of this year, and the best blessings possible for the next.

Determination

IMG_1206I’ve come onto this page several times to write this post, but each time, the words wouldn’t come and I would sit here looking at the screen and wondering how to phrase the things that were in my heart without sounding as if I’m falling apart or giving up. From the outside, it was really a small thing that happened to cause this withdrawal. But from the inside? Oh, how that shook me up!

There was a financial setback. Nothing major, I won’t be destitute or anything close to that, but it hurt my heart deeply when I realized that it will be another year before I can buy the motor home. I had moments when I questioned whether or not I should even keep trying. Moments when I thought I was making a huge mistake in dedicating so much energy into this foolish endeavor that it was affecting my health. Moments when I would ask myself if it would simply be better if I gave up this dream and figured out something else. And, I hate to admit this, I still have those dark moments while I am trying to fall asleep.

However, I have spoken with a few people who are close to me and they remind me that they are cheering me on, that they want to see me succeed in this dream, that they are looking forward to hearing more stories about my travels. I have people who believe in me and care that I’m working to get through this rough patch. I cannot ever express how much that has meant to me over the last few weeks. Their words have held me up when I feel ready to fall. Their love has helped me get out of bed each morning and continue putting one foot in front of the other. Their cheering has kept me from slipping into the sadness that wants to take all of the dreams away. Interestingly enough, I have met only a very small handful of these people, but they are now a part of my life and will continue to be so.

I look around this room that I’m renting and wondering if there is even more that I can cull from it. There isn’t, really. Perhaps a book here, or a bit of yarn there, but I’ve already stripped away so many of the “normal” trappings, that there is little left. I look over my budget and try to find more ways to increase what I’m saving instead of spending, but there is very little wiggle room in these numbers anymore. So I look inward. What, of myself, can I remove for a better life? And that opens a whole new realm of possibilities. Fears, doubts, the old voices who tell me that I’m not quite good enough to have what I want, the anxiety, the history of not quite reaching my goals, the self-sabotage of my own health (more on that much later), and even the weariness that I experience more often than I’d like to admit. But I can do this and I know that no one will hold me back anymore. No one to pour concrete on my wings.

I will continue with my plans to reach my goal. And, with any luck, there won’t be any setbacks to try to stop me.

I hope you all have a beautifully blessed day.