Choices…

First, a small warning: If you don’t like a bit of cussing, now is the time to close the page. If you don’t like bluntness, now is the time to close the page. If you don’t like not knowing every juicy detail of what I’m about to share, now is the time to close the page. I don’t owe anyone all the explanations. I don’t owe the random readers (few as they are) all the deep feelings and thoughts I experience. I once thought that I did. I’ve learned better.

The past winter was one of the most peaceful and healing periods of time I’ve ever had the privilege to experience. I focused almost exclusively on my mental and physical health, I minimized my time on social media, I got to bed earlier, and I started to forgive my body for the betrayal I felt because of its failures. There were still many days when I needed to nap or to drown out the internal voice with books or movies, but those days were fewer and fewer. I don’t believe they will ever become unnecessary, but it’s nice going through more days with my mind clear instead of a great cacophony of bitterness and turmoil. Are there still times when I wish I wouldn’t wake up the next day? Absolutely. But I remind myself that there are grandkids who need to grow up knowing what a fabulous, witchy Nana they have. And I can’t show them that from the grave.

I can’t say that I fully accept the turn my physical health has taken over the last few years, but I’m more kind to myself over it. I don’t chastise myself for not going past my limits so that I’m “stronger”, I don’t push myself until “the oxygen stores in my body are used up” (yes, that was once said to me), and I don’t keep going when my heart feels like it’s going to jump right out of my chest. Do I miss being able to do certain things? Yes, of course. But I’m not quite as bitter about it all. Am I being vague about what’s going on? Yes, I am. To be quite honest, it’s no one’s business of all the things I’m going through. I’m done being polite to those who ask if I’ve tried this or that or the other thing. What about this snake oil or that blend of mushrooms and herbs? What about seeing this kind of doctor or practitioner? Have you tried yoga? How about kombucha? Lose more weight. Stop sugar-bread-caffeine-carbs-meat-dairy. Exercise harder. Be more spiteful (if spite keeps you alive and kicking, then that’s great, but it makes me weary and unable to deal with all the other shit that I deal with).

For anyone who doesn’t know, I get the majority of my medical knowledge from sites such as The National Institutes of Health, Johns Hopkins Medicine, and The Mayo Clinic, just to name a few. I look through my test results and compare them to a year ago or a few months ago, then I read as many articles as I can about the subject. Then I read some more. I look up the pros and cons of various treatment plans, including surgery. I look up the views from other countries’ doctors about the subjects. Then I read even more. Do I have all the information I need? Probably not, but I’m pretty sure that I have more than the nurse practitioner who was assigned to me through the insurance company. She has hundreds of clients and I only have one. I am able to spend hours looking up this term and that phrase until I’m certain that I know which decision is best for me.

One example I’m willing to share: anterior vaginal prolapse. I got the referral to see a local doctor about it (a urogynecologist) and answered dozens of questions, went through a slightly invasive and very uncomfortable exam, then answered even more questions. After all this, the recommendation was a vaginal mesh surgery. My case is extremely mild and infrequent and I only went in to make sure there wasn’t something serious behind it. But surgery was the first option this doctor had. After going home and doing my own research, I’ve learned that this particular surgery is not allowed in the UK unless there are no other options. Why? Because of the serious complications that can arise from it. There are many other ways to mediate this situation, and surgery should have been the last option. Is it any wonder that I don’t trust so much of the medical community? A side note, are you aware that gallbladder removal negatively impacts over 50% of the patients who’ve had that surgery? Did you also know that changes in your diet will help minimize the formation of gallstones? Did your doctor tell you these things, or did they just tell you that the gallbladder had to come out? Knowledge is power, y’all.

Let’s move on.

When spring finally began to play hide and seek with the winter chill, I knew that there were a great many things that had changed in my mind. I had started to question the reasons behind some of my likes and dislikes. For example, why was I so adamant about which direction the toilet paper sat on the holder? Did it really matter to me if the paper came off the top or from the bottom? What about garden gnomes? Why did I keep telling myself that I disliked them? What about small dogs? Where did my dislike of small dogs come from when I was saving up my money to get a cinnamon-colored shih tzu back in the early 90s? And, if they didn’t come from my own head and heart, why the hell was I still holding onto them? Now? Now I put the paper on whichever way it’s in my hand when I pull the roll out of the cabinet. The lid still gets closed because I have a tendency to drop things and I don’t want to fish them out of the water. My coffee isn’t super-strong because I like the more subtle flavor of “regular” brew. Garden gnomes might find their way into my garden when I find one that I like more than the others. I’m content to sit in a quiet room and listen to the sound of my own breathing. As for small dogs… well, chihuahuas are still off my list, but it’s more because the short hair causes a very bad reaction on my skin.

Remembering who I am has been a great joy.

Not long ago, I spent a glorious 10 days staying off social media completely and limiting my time with my kids (daily check-in, but nothing more). I continued a deeper dive into some of the things I was holding onto, some of the people I kept in my life, and some of the habits I’d created. I wrote and read and listened and walked in my yard. I sat on the porch and listened to the birds and watched the groundhog and the chipmunks. I turned my living room lights off at 8:15p each evening and allowed the room to grow dark naturally. I made more decisions about plans for my future, dreamed a little, and thought a lot. There are things that no longer work for me and I’ll let them go. There are things that I miss dearly and I will rebuild them and nurture them until they’re a strong part of my life again.

I’m still me. At times lazy, argumentative, stubborn, and arrogant. Also, intuitive, compassionate, strong, and solitary.