Determination

IMG_1206I’ve come onto this page several times to write this post, but each time, the words wouldn’t come and I would sit here looking at the screen and wondering how to phrase the things that were in my heart without sounding as if I’m falling apart or giving up. From the outside, it was really a small thing that happened to cause this withdrawal. But from the inside? Oh, how that shook me up!

There was a financial setback. Nothing major, I won’t be destitute or anything close to that, but it hurt my heart deeply when I realized that it will be another year before I can buy the motor home. I had moments when I questioned whether or not I should even keep trying. Moments when I thought I was making a huge mistake in dedicating so much energy into this foolish endeavor that it was affecting my health. Moments when I would ask myself if it would simply be better if I gave up this dream and figured out something else. And, I hate to admit this, I still have those dark moments while I am trying to fall asleep.

However, I have spoken with a few people who are close to me and they remind me that they are cheering me on, that they want to see me succeed in this dream, that they are looking forward to hearing more stories about my travels. I have people who believe in me and care that I’m working to get through this rough patch. I cannot ever express how much that has meant to me over the last few weeks. Their words have held me up when I feel ready to fall. Their love has helped me get out of bed each morning and continue putting one foot in front of the other. Their cheering has kept me from slipping into the sadness that wants to take all of the dreams away. Interestingly enough, I have met only a very small handful of these people, but they are now a part of my life and will continue to be so.

I look around this room that I’m renting and wondering if there is even more that I can cull from it. There isn’t, really. Perhaps a book here, or a bit of yarn there, but I’ve already stripped away so many of the “normal” trappings, that there is little left. I look over my budget and try to find more ways to increase what I’m saving instead of spending, but there is very little wiggle room in these numbers anymore. So I look inward. What, of myself, can I remove for a better life? And that opens a whole new realm of possibilities. Fears, doubts, the old voices who tell me that I’m not quite good enough to have what I want, the anxiety, the history of not quite reaching my goals, the self-sabotage of my own health (more on that much later), and even the weariness that I experience more often than I’d like to admit. But I can do this and I know that no one will hold me back anymore. No one to pour concrete on my wings.

I will continue with my plans to reach my goal. And, with any luck, there won’t be any setbacks to try to stop me.

I hope you all have a beautifully blessed day.

Slowly, slowly

As cold temperatures race through the country, I can’t help but wonder how I’m going to handle the winters. Oh, I have ideas of adding insulation, possibly the under-floor heating, and lots of wooly rugs, but will that be enough? I know that I could just drive somewhere where the temperatures are a little nicer, but my intention is not to drive all over the countryside in a rush to avoid the seasons. Instead, I want to take my time and meet with the people in the areas that I visit. I want to invite my yarny friends to sit with me over coffee or tea while we chat. I want to take a moment in an afternoon to enjoy the sounds of birds and watch the sun rise. Or set. And yet, winter worries me.

For the moment, I will set that aside and focus on right now. Right now, my schedule is still so hectic that I hardly have a moment to myself. Yes, I have a lot of down time/knitting time, but it’s almost all while I’m sitting in a building waiting for something. Waiting on an appointment, waiting for Brianna’s final touches on her presentation, waiting for Brianna to finish physical training with the recruiters, waiting, waiting. I could drive home and come back later to get her, but I’ve already been adding more than 100 extra miles each week  and I’m not willing to double that right now. So, I wait. I believe there is an end in sight, though. Then my knitting time will be paired up with dyeing time and embroidery time so that I can replenish the shops. I currently have yarn sitting in a box waiting for splashes of color. I have potholder parts that need to be put together. I even have crystal grids that need to be assembled. All I need now is a little more time at the house. Soon, I hope.

I’m still cleaning out the house. There are some things that I just can’t bring myself to part with and other things that I’ve been told not to part with. My Renaissance dress, for example. I was talking with a friend and was reminded that Brianna told me that I should keep it in case I get to go to a Faire one of these days. I have lots of friends across the country who like the Faires and it would be so fun to dress up. And, as she bluntly pointed out, I worked really hard on it. Other things, such as coffee mugs, I can’t let go of. For one reason or another, I love the ones I have. But… I still have so much stuff! I haven’t even touched my closet yet.

I’m currently looking for another place to live, too. One that costs a bit less and allows me to save up even faster. There are a few RVs on Craigslist right now that look like they’d be great for my needs, but I’m not yet in a position of haggling with anyone. But once I am, oh, the ideas I have!

I do hope you are all having a wonderful day and are staying warm out there. My heart goes out to you and I look forward to the day I get to sit with some of you with coffee and knitting in hand. 🎇

 

Fear of the unknown

As I continue going through my days and looking at how I use things around my house as well as how often I use them, I keep checking out the other blogs about traveling. Andy Baird, for example, has dozens of wonderful ideas to keep your travel plans running smoothly. (His page, his pinterest.) For the most part, I am still looking at this as a financial decision, but I’m also trying to focus on the adventure part of it. Visiting with friends, seeing places I’ve never gotten to see, revisiting places that I love… all of these are part of the glamorous side of it. But, being an Earth creature (Virgo through and through), I can’t help but focus on the responsibility of it all. How will I make sure I have enough food stocked up? Will I be able to fix the minor things that might break down? What are the best roads to travel? What am I missing with all this planning?

I felt the first real fear a couple weeks ago about all of this. Not fear that I’ll be on the road alone (that has crossed my mind, but I believe I will have that as covered as I can), not even fear that I’ll end up feeling lonely at times. No, this was a fear that I will not be able to stay warm enough in the winter. While I do plan to knit, crochet, and weave as many wool rugs as I can and I do plan to add more insulation to the interior, what if that’s not enough? I read about how people recommend the space heaters since they are actually more efficient than the heaters that come installed and it makes me think about how much electricity I’ll be using. Many of the blogs that I read talk about staying in the RV parks during the winter and using the power there. But that wasn’t part of my plan. My plan was to remain as off-grid as I possibly can. And so the fear set in. What if I can’t stay warm enough through the night? What if the cats get sick? What if the motor won’t start and I’ve got crappy cell phone reception? What if? What if? What if?

And, even though some of this is terrifying and there is a part of me that wants to cling to the instability of the current life I’m living, I know that I have to go forward. I have to swallow that fear and acknowledge how sour it tastes now so that, when I make it through my first winter, when I wake one morning to the first signs of spring, when the sunshine comes streaming through the window, I will taste the sweetness of that success. Or, if worse comes to worst, I will taste the grit of determination to do better the following winter and I will have learned what to avoid.

In the meantime, as I sit in my nicely heated apartment with my hand-knit wool socks keeping my feet warm, I will continue to downsize the things I rarely use and I’ll keep doing what I can to think of any potential issues that might arise. And I’ll knit. 🙂

drinksIn the picture you can see the “drink station” in my house. The blue water jug is filled from the filter attached to the kitchen sink and we fill it daily so that water is a little easier to get to (especially when the sink is full of yarn soaking in Eucalan). The electric teakettle is used several times a day for a variety of drinks or cooking and when it finally boils its last liter, I will be very sad. The French press gets used every two days and is relatively new to me (I have found that I don’t like the extra “graininess” of the coffee). The teapot gets used whenever I know that I want more than one cup of coffee and I generally use it with a mesh ball. And, of course, one of my favorite mugs (it holds 16oz and has sunflowers!).

So… which of these items really need to come with me? Which ones can I find new homes for? Counter space will be very limited, of course, so I have to think along those lines. But I still have plenty of time to figure it all out.

I hope you are all having a beautiful day!