Thoughts & Musings

Reaching into Darkness

As the season continues shifting into the darker part of the year, I find myself thinking more and more about where I’m heading. I announced on Wednesday that I was closing the dyeing portion of my shop and that is still weighing heavy on my heart. Even though I know that it’s the best choice for me, it is still hard letting go of something that has been such an enormous and lovely part of my life. And yet, it’s time to move on.

Move on to what? I don’t know right now. I’m doing my best to focus on my physical healing as well as my emotional healing. There are parts of my life where I’ve been scorched severely due to believing in another person’s words. I won’t get into that right now because it’s unnecessary to air all that dirty laundry, but I’m teaching myself to trust in something again. Only, this time, it’s myself. You know, like I did when I was in my 20s.

For now, through the winter, I’ll be focusing on several Pagan studies that I’ve wanted to explore for a long time. I’m going to explore various crafting such as quilting. I’m going to paint again. And remember how to be Me. Is all that going to be easy? Probably not, but I’m still trying to get that shift happening in my life.

Later today there will be winds and rain here. Not as harsh as parts of Washington and northern Oregon are going to be getting, but still strong enough that we have a warning on the weather apps. The yard is ready for some water and I’m ready for a storm.


Other updates:

  • I have a lovely betta named Rupert Angus MacKelpie. He’s living in a 5.5 gallon tank with a snail named Soleil and 4 ghost shrimp. He chases the shrimp, though, so I may have to move them to the 2.5 gallon tank. Rupert brings me lots of smiles throughout the day and I like having him within my line of sight. Eventually, I’ll try for a natural tank, only I won’t be making it nice & neat like these instructions. For now, though, this is a nice tank.
  • I still have no answers about my physical health. My test results are “fine” and I’ve exhausted the things that my insurance will cover. What now? More research on my part, I guess. I have a colonoscopy on the 20th (it’s routine, I’m 50 now) and will continue researching more after that. Hormone balancing, more meditation, more time with myself. I’m not sure what else to do at this point.
  • My mental health is… undetermined most days. Sometimes I feel that I can face anything, other times I feel that I’m losing touch with all reality.
  • I have a quilt that I started for T (granddaughter) and I’m looking forward to getting all the squares made and put together. I also am going to get my Universal Love afghan finished. I have a round of black squares and will likely leave it at that size (a throw) since I am less heartbroken about not having Aurora here with me (I still miss her deeply, but it’s not as painful as before). I will start another afghan before long, but this one will be for Brianna & AJ. And a quilt for myself.
  • I’m going to participate in NaNoWriMo this year. I have 3 stories in my head and need to decide for sure which one I’m going to focus on, but I’m looking forward to it.
  • The cats seem to be doing well. I worry about Serephina as she gets older (she’s 14 now) and do all that I can to make sure she’s comfortable and happy. Ofelia is more and more loving as time goes on, but still panics when there is a new sound. Khaleesi is usually in her own little world and is quite certain that I don’t feed her enough.

That’s it for now. I do hope that you all have a day that treats you kindly.

Black & white image of me writing in my journal.

2 thoughts on “Reaching into Darkness”

  1. Nothing is ever simple. We make our lives so complicated – there is no one who can do it to us except ourselves. Now that I’m in my mid 80’s I find that less is more – waaaay more! Sure as heck wish you well and peace on this road you are traveling. Learn to hop over those bumps both small and large and look straight ahead, not too far back.

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    1. Unfortunately, it’s my health that causes the complications I’m currently experiencing. And, until I can figure those out, I won’t be able to look ahead very far. Even so, I know that I’m doing what’s right for me.

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